When Adults Act Like Children: Building Healthy Relationship Boundaries

We’ve all experienced it…the high-pitched screaming…growing louder with every passing moment…the flailing of arms and legs…and the various faces on those involved—shock, embarrassment, frustration, apathy, or outright anger.

Yes, I’m describing a childish fit.

Many of us have witnessed one in a grocery store, in our home, or in the car. When it’s someone else’s child, we often roll our eyes (come on, admit it) and keep walking.

But what do we do when it’s our own child or grandchild?

The answer depends on a lot of things—the child’s age, level of maturity, the environment, and our own natural tendencies when we’re under stress.

Some parents swoop in with the patented “grab and go.” Others offer candy or promise a new toy if the child calms down. Some ignore the behavior and wait it out. Others do a combination of all three. And a small handful somehow manage to find that healthy balance of love, patience, and clear boundaries (much easier said than done).

But What If the “Child” Is an Adult?

What if the person throwing the fit isn’t three years old…

What if it’s your spouse?

Your coworker?

Your boss?

Your parent?

Or, heaven forbid…what if it’s you?

How do we respond then?

Step 1: Acknowledge the Behavior

As simple as it may seem, the first step is to acknowledge that the behavior is, in fact, childish—or, if you prefer, confusing, unhelpful, or emotionally dysregulated.

This is an important step because unhealthy communication patterns can slowly become normal. We adapt to them without realizing it, much like the “slow boil” effect.

Recognizing emotionally immature behavior and unhealthy relationship patterns is the first step toward responding differently.

Step 2: Separate the Behavior from the Person

The next step is to separate the behavior from the person.

This requires perspective, humility, and compassion, along with a willingness to better understand ourselves.

It means admitting that we all have moments where we react poorly while also recognizing that many unhealthy behaviors develop as attempts to gain control or protect ourselves.

This doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior, but it can help us respond thoughtfully instead of simply reacting.

Many people have learned unhealthy ways of getting their needs met. Others around them often become trained to feel responsible, helpless, or stuck.

In these moments, many of us instinctively avoid conflict by staying quiet, apologizing, agreeing, appeasing, or over-explaining ourselves—hoping things will somehow get better.

Step 3: Acknowledge the Effect on You

How do you feel around this person?

Do you feel like you’re constantly walking on emotional or relational “eggshells”?

Does everything somehow become your fault?

Again, none of us are perfect. But we’re talking about patterns of communication that are confusing, controlling, or manipulative—and the emotional toll they take over time.

Power and control rarely stay the same. Left unchecked, they often grow.

Step 4: Seek Help and Practice Healthy Boundaries

Once we’ve acknowledged the behavior and its effects, we can begin finding practical ways to regain our self-respect while also giving the other person a loving opportunity to learn and grow.

This often involves assertive communication and healthy boundaries.

Here are a few ideas to consider with the support of a trusted counselor or professional:

• Allow one natural consequence to happen without stepping in or enabling.
• Calmly communicate one thing you need. (“When this happens, I need some time to think.”)
• Calmly communicate one thing you feel. (“When this happens, I feel confused,” or “I feel like I’m being treated unfairly.”)
• Practice resisting the urge to immediately apologize or over-explain simply to avoid conflict.

When we consistently appease or placate unhealthy behavior, we often reinforce the very patterns we’re hoping will change.

Another resource worth considering for yourself or a loved one is Al-Anon, which offers confidential support groups both in person and online.

Four Steps to Remember

When interacting with adults who communicate or behave in confusing, controlling, or emotionally immature ways:

1. Acknowledge that the behavior is unhealthy.
2. Separate the behavior from the person with humility and compassion.
3. Recognize the effect the unhealthy behavior—and your own avoidance—has on you.
4. Seek help and practice healthy boundaries that build self-respect while giving others opportunities to learn and grow.

Healthy relationships don’t happen by accident. They grow when we learn to respond thoughtfully instead of simply reacting.

Healthy relationships begin with healthy boundaries.

If you’re struggling with recurring conflict, unhealthy communication, or relationships that leave you feeling emotionally drained, you don’t have to navigate those challenges alone. Our Couples Therapy and Individual Counseling services provide a supportive space to build healthier communication, strengthen boundaries, and create more meaningful relationships.

Ready to take the next step? Contact us to learn how we can help.