Selfish Love

With 2025 in full swing, February already here, and Valentine’s Day in the air, what better time to slow down for a minute and discuss the topic of Love. This topic is an incredibly vast one with what seems like an endless number of angles and aspects to discuss; like romantic love, relationships with others, self-care, and even our view of God’s love for us and our love back to Him, just to name a few. For those of us who are willing to look at love from God’s perspective, thank you for you having an open mind (and heart). 

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.” – Mark 12:29-31 

Again, not all of us may be familiar with verse. Any of us who see faith as an important part of our lives, may possibly be familiar with the above verse, which is often referred to as “The Greatest Commandment” in the Bible. Regardless of our faith background or religious beliefs, our understanding of these verses may be limited. Many of us can try to at least understand the concept of loving God with EVERY part of ourselves – encompassing our heart, soul, mind, and strength. This first part of the “Great Commandment” is the very foundation for the 2^nd part of the commandment. Most of us can admit that having an expanding view of who God is and what his love entails, can possibly be quite beneficial. This first part of the “Great Commandment” summarizes the first five of the Ten Commandments – “Love God with your whole being.”  

But what about the second part of the “Great Commandment”, which summarizes the last five of the Ten Commandments – “Love People by loving your neighbor as yourself?” In my experience, most people when reading this, either naturally think, have learned, or have been taught to focus on how we are supposed to love and care for our neighbors (others). It’s often taught as a charge to be more thoughtful, kind, generous, and forgiving, and OTHERS-FOCUSED. And it’s also a reminder to be less selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, and ME-FOCUSED – all for the sake of other people’s well-being. Becoming less selfish and self-focused is OF COURSE incredibly important and helpful to us on many levels, but…

What if that’s not entirely the point of the verse and second part of the “Great Commandment”? A  better understanding of the original language helps us see that the verse can be interpreted as, “love your neighbor as you love yourself”. But how does it make sense to love people as (or like) we love ourselves, if our natural tendency as people is to be selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed? Maybe it can make a bit more sense if we reverse it and pretend for just a moment that the verse says, “love yourself as you love your neighbor”. How could this change not only our own perspective, but also our actual behaviors and the quality of our relationships? Maybe seeing it this way can help remind us to take the same thoughtfulness, kindness, generosity, forgiveness (and even obligation) we are supposed to apply to others, and focus on applying them first to ourselves, knowing then they will flow more powerfully to others.  

What if we learned to love ourselves in a way that reinforces our need for humility and vulnerability, and not our need for pride, esteem, self-protection or self-preservation? What if our love for ourselves was truly kind and caring, and not distorted by insecurity or guilt?  

Oh, how this “Selfish Love” could revolutionize our own lives as we truly learn to love God and people (starting with ourselves) well. 

Written by Jason Lowe, LPC