Truly Preparing for the Holidays

Navigating Challenging Holiday Dynamics

With the Holidays fast approaching, many of us will be traveling to see friends and family members that we haven’t seen in quite some time. This reality brings a myriad of thoughts and feelings – some positive, and some…well, not so much. Relationships are often challenging, especially ones with family members that we didn’t choose, but were born into. Every family has its own interesting and challenging holiday dynamics. Every family (that I have ever known or heard of) has one or two members that are especially interesting / challenging. If one doesn’t come to mind, then they say that you’re the interesting / challenging one in your family! 😊 So, what can we do this upcoming holiday season to help manage the stress that often accompanies family get-togethers and celebrations?  Well, there A LOT of things we can do, and not do (which is often harder and also more effective) to help manage stress and conflict, and maximize enjoyment and peace when spending time with family and friends. Let me mention just a few practical ideas that can be summed up with the following words… 

PREPARE, PINPOINT, PAUSE, PROCESS, and PROCEED. These words can help provide a framework that can apply to any and all life circumstances, especially holiday gatherings!! 

PREPARE… 

Being prepared has less to do with pie baking and gift wrapping, and more to do with anticipating the challenging holiday dynamics. and interesting people you are about to “enjoy” for hours or even days on end (gulp). A question you can ask yourself is “what situation or person is probably going to be a challenge?”  Maybe it’s the topics that come up at the dinner table. Maybe it’s the level of shouting as people discuss things more passionately as more adult beverages are consumed. Maybe it’s the family member who always seems to give you the perfect back-handed “compliment” that hits the button they and you know far too well. So, try to anticipate these things and begin to think about why they may “trigger” you (cause an exaggerated emotional reaction), and what you can choose to do about it. 

“Be prepared NOW for the challenges sure to come.”  

PINPOINT…

Ok, you’ve been at Aunt Ethel’s house for family Thanksgiving, and someone sheepishly approaches you to ask you if you’re feeling ok. Now what? Well, rather than yell, “I’M FINE”, sometimes the best and hardest thing to do is try to identify what’s actually going on inside of you. This is referred to as pinpointing. This can take the form of an internal or invisible pause where you process (see below) what’s going on around you and what’s going on inside of you. Ask yourself, “what’s going on inside of me?” “Is something affecting me?” “What is my body telling me?” “Am I tense?” “Is my heart racing? “What negative thought is beginning to trigger more negative feelings and negative thinking?” The key to pinpointing is to try to identify your body cues and thought clues as soon as possible, before any spiraling begins to take place.

“Pinpointing can help us learn from the cues that our thoughts, feelings, and body often provide.”

PAUSE… 

I find this is the hardest skill for most people to remember, let alone utilize. Your pause can also take the form of an external or visible pause where you quietly and respectfully excuse yourself from the situation to process and do something to help you manage your feelings, as well as helping you avoid the reaction that usually comes. Again, deep breathing can help. Getting outside for a few minutes of brink air can help navigate challenging holiday dynamics. Going to the bathroom and splashing some cold water in your face or on your neck help. All the while, remind yourself what you have prepared to do and why it’s important. Pausing helps us stay grounded in the “here and now” which helps slow down our thinking and breathing and helps us regulate our emotions and response to stress. Pausing helps us be able to respond to a challenging moment, rather than merely react.  

“Pausing helps us to respond to challenging moments, not react to them.”  

PROCESS… 

Processing can mean a lot of different things to everyone, which is wonderful. Let these four words prompt other ideas and ways to improve your upcoming social interactions. Processing can mean sharing your feelings of dread with someone you trust. Processing can mean taking an honest inventory of your thoughts, feelings, and triggers.  Processing can take place in the preparation phase and is also crucial to the pause phase. Processing can help us learn from our thoughts, feelings, and body. Whether while we are practicing grounding skills (breathing, brisk walk, cold water…) or afterwards, we can process our thoughts or “self-talk” by asking ourselves “what else is true?”. We can process or ask ourselves “what am I really feeling?”, and we can begin to realize earlier than we ever have before when our body is telling us something important.  

“Processing can happen in the moment or sometime later. You have the power to choose!”     

PROCEED… 

Again, pausing can often be a good option, but what else can be helpful and healthy for you in case pausing isn’t enough? This touches on the need for healthy and assertive communication skills and the need to set and keep healthy boundaries. To keep it simple, assertive communication centers on sharing with others what we are needing, wanting, and feeling, in a healthy and productive way. Communicating assertively usually involves being some form of honest and kind. Where we may naturally want to avoid conflict and stuff our feelings and needs, we may begin to tell someone “I don’t like it when you do that, please stop.” Where we may naturally get aggressive or angry and blow up, we may begin to pause, regulate, and be able to very same thing, “I don’t like it when you do that, please stop.” Another option may need to be thinking through your limits and when you may need to remove yourself from the situation all together. Again, the goal is to do this in a healthy and productive way which can be prepared for and planned ahead-of time and guided by pausing in the moment. Rather than screaming and throwing a fit, or crying and saying something we may regret, we can choose to say nothing, or something like “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, so I am going to leave now. I love you and will talk to you soon.”  

“Assertive communication shares needs, feeling, and thoughts  in an honest, healthy, and helpful way.”  

There may always be challenging holiday dynamics, but, let’s do the best we can to go into this upcoming holiday season willing to try to PREPARE, PINPOINT, PAUSE, PROCESS, and PROCEED in order to have as good of (and probably still interesting and challenging) time with family and friends as possible!

Written by Jason Lowe, LPC